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  A builder was being paid weekly for a project that would last for several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.

"This is $200 dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"That's right," the owner said, "And last week I overpaid you $200 ... Funny, but you never complained then."

The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake" the contractor said. "But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

  
  One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,
"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin,
since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

 
  An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a
few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and ommented
"These are very good! You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said
"That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."

  
  A retired gentleman spent most afternoons at the local golf course. Every
day he would spend about 3 hours out on the course, playing a round by
himself. When he would return to the club house, the resident pro would
inquire about his score.

"Ed, how'd you shoot today?", to which the man would *always* reply,
"Another perfect par."

The golf pro (being of average intelligence) knew that there was no way the
old man was shooting straight par every day, but since he was a regular
customer, he didn't want to insult the man by accusing him of lying.

Finally, one day, the pro decided to accompany the old man on his daily
round, just to see for himself. On the first tee, the older gentleman
sliced the ball way off into the rough. He found his ball, but his second
shot was even worse. Finally putting it into the first hole (a par 4) took
him 8 swings. The golf pro thought to himself "I knew it. This old
geezer's been lying all this time. There is no way he is gonna shoot
anywhere near par."

They continued on, and the old man's game stayed the same, never once
getting a par on any one hole. After almost 3 hours, they teed off on the
13th hole. The old man actually hit it straight down the middle - It was
the best shot he had made all day! He promptly walked down the fairway to
his ball, picked it up, and began walking back to the clubhouse.

The pro was confused. "Hey, that was a great shot. Where are you going
now?"

"Oh, I'm done." the old man replied with a smile, "That shot was number 72
...another perfect par!"

  

 

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife.

She rushed in and said, 'What is it, honey?'

He told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.

He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.

The wife was curious. 'What are you doing, honey?' she asked.

'I'm looking for loopholes!' he shouted.

(No loopholes for getting into heaven)

  
     
 

An elderly couple was in great physical condition due to the low-fat diet and exercise program the wife integrated into their lifestyle.

They enjoyed life and traveled a great deal. However, on one of their
trips, the plane crashed and both of them were killed. St. Peter met them at the pearly gates to welcome them in. He said, "Let me show you your quarters."

They took a tour of the most luxurious rooms they had ever seen. The man asked, "How much does this place cost per night?" St. Peter said, "This is Heaven, it doesn't cost anything."

Then he took them to the dining room where there were tables filled with every kind of prepared food you could imagine. The man asked, "How much for this buffet?" St. Peter said, "You forget, this is Heaven, it's free."

He then took them out back where they saw an unbelievably beautiful golf course. St Peter said, "Now before you ask, there are no greens fees, this is Heaven, everything is free."

The man looked at his wife and said, "You and your confounded bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"
     

Two older women, Judy and Monica, who were rivals in a social circle met at a party."My dear," said Monica, "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Judy.

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled
Lady Monica.

Judy responded "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."

  
     
  An 80-year-old man was walking down the sidewalk one day and saw a little frog sitting on the ground.

The frog looked at the old man and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." Without hesitation, the old man picked up the frog and put it in his shirt pocket.

The frog was alarmed and said to him, "Why haven't you kissed me?"

"At my age," the man said, "I'd rather have a talking frog!"
     
  A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the
broom, I'll show you how."

  
 

 

  
 

A guy walking along noticed two city workers working along the sidewalks.
The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.

Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again."

"Oh," explained one of the city workers, "the third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."

  
 

 
 

The cure for hiccups...

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can
give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"

The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT...
But my wife out in the car still does!"

 
     
 

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.
The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.
So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."

"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

  
  A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive, expensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under
the door."